jokes! sit back relax and laugh!
1) in mandrin: wad door cannot open?
ans: wo MEN, ni MEN, za MEN.
2) customer: waiter! there's a fly in my soup!
waiter: oh don worry, it's on the hse!
3) girl1 to girl 2 : don forget me x 999999999999999999
girl 1: knock knock
2: who's there?
1: i told u not to forget me!!
4) customer: waiter waiter! there's a fly in my soup!
waiter: why, how honest of you, i'll put it in the bill then.
5) teacher: boy, didn't i ask u to copy this 5 times cause u can't rmb how it is written? how come there's only 4?
boy: i donno how to count either.
6) wad has a long neck and 8 wheels?
ans: a giraffee on roller blades.
7) Doctor: so, has the pills for ur amnesia help u in ur memory?
Patient: wad pills??
8) doraemon: hi hello kitty!!
hello kitty ignores. why??
cause she has no MOUTH!
so hello kitty gets a mouth.
hello kitty: hi doraemon!
doraemon nv reply. why??
cause he got no EARS. HAHHAHAH.
9)
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
10) Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam.
11) Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
12)
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog
13) Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk
14) There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
15) While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"
To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."
16) teacher: john, can u draw smth on the black board for the class?
john: done. *nothing on the board*
teacher: john, i asked u to draw smth.
john: i did! i drew my black cat wif the lights off!
17)A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
18)A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
19)Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
20) A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
